Thinking in Crayons

a tabla raza of sorts

2008-12-09T14:08:00.003-05:00

A new start, some new ideas. A new mindset would be nice too. I can't seem to figure out what it is exactly I have to say to the internet world, but I'd like to give it a fair shot and see if I can find my "voice" so to speak. It seems as though there is a niche for just about anyone and everyone on the great wide internet, so I'm hoping maybe I'll find my own place somewhere along the way. I'm still new to the ideas of expressing opinions and having a say, so it will be a learning process of sorts.

I'm not yet sure in which direction this blog will be headed, and I think it may be best to just let it happen. It seems as though I lose interest and feel obligated, which is the last thing I want this to be. I'm looking solely for a creative outlet, whatever that may entail.

Should someone actually be reading this, please post a comment. I'm always interested to see who else is out there lurking around.

I hate that no one reads this.

2008-10-26T21:30:00.003-04:00

Not much to say, as I sit here with one of the best mochas I've had in a while. Homemade, believe it or not.

Just felt the urge to type, to get my brain up and running while the rest of me sits and waits like an idiot.

Plenty has been going on - all part of an ongoing project to figure myself out... what I want, what I need, what makes me happy, where I want to end up, etc. Just thinking about half these questions scares the snot right out of my stuffed up nose. I'm still not sure who I am, let alone anything else. What I do know, however, is that I am making an effort to sort this out. If not for me, then for my sanity and the health of my relationship - which seems to be running tight for patience and I can completely understand why.

I've been a veritable mess lately. Emotions ranging all across the board, with no logical explanation for most, and little if any warning of a switch. Fuck, I have a hard time living with me, let alone anyone else trying to deal with this mess. It feels like there's a connection thats fried in my brain. Some things just aren't processing anymore. I don't remember things, mostly thoughts - I know they happened, and I remember feeling them, I just don't remember what they were. I try to pay attention, but its like my brain has been surrounded by this impenetrable fog.

I want to be me more than ever. I want to be the girl that wrote to-do's on her mirror on the door and crossed them all off before bed. I want to sit on the counter and drink coffee in the middle of the night because no one else is home. I want to go to the gym every day after school because thats just what I do (and because thats how I stayed so damn skinny). I feel like I need something to prove. I'm afraid thats the only thing that has ever motivated me to get my act together and do anything. My problem is that now, I'm all I have to prove wrong or right. And frankly, I just don't care nearly enough.

I need someone to tell me I'm not good enough the way I am. I need to hear that I need to work harder, try a little more, get better at what I'm doing.

It just seems to be the only thing that motivates me to even try. I think I'm just conditioned to respond better that way. Encouragement does fuck all for me really. I don't understand it.

I really need to write more eloquently. Or at the very least, more coherently. More practice necessary perhaps.

phew

2008-09-30T01:08:00.001-04:00

...after a discussion about figuring out who I actually am, instead of pretending to be someone else.

Alright. Well, myself is crazy and mostly illogical. I'm a scared little girl trapped inside a rational big kid's body. I've never been able to make a decision, mostly because I don't really have many strong opinions on most things. I absolutely love drinking coffee in the afternoon, and I wish I wasn't so impatient sometimes. I have some pretty cool but totally incomplete ideas in my head, but have no idea how to get myself to settle down long enough to really think one through. I hate feeling full, and sometimes enjoy feeling hungry. There are days I wish I was still anorexic (there are others when I wish I never was so my relationship with food and my metabolism weren't so fucked). I'm not sure I understand why I'm at school, since I really don't have any plans for the future. But I'm here because rumor has it, without a degree, I'm screwed. So here I am. I think I might want to go to grad school, though I'm not sure what for. However, I tend to shy away from things that I genuinely need to work at since its a bit of a foreign concept to me, so that might be a challenge. I think I'm bad at sex, so that kind of gets in the way of me doing some of the things I want to. I worry about my little sister and hate that I can't be even remotely close to my family, although to be honest, I'm sure I'd hate it if I were. I worry about my Dad's health, although -as horrible as this sounds- less now than I used to since I'm now a lot less dependent on him. I wish they'd take me seriously.

Hmm... maybe its not so scary. But then again, I'm sitting here in a super cozy bathrobe talking to the guy who can kiss my forehead and make my whole day better.

projectile typing

2008-08-25T19:00:00.004-04:00

Slowly learning to let things roll... think and care a little less. Not sure its a good thing, or a bad thing really. Just learning to let things go I suppose.

Still can't fully shake the feeling of impending doom - I guess its because of what happened last time, I dunno. Spidey senses are still a little tingly. My brain seems to still be relapsing into its little stints of quiet, not responding or processing much of anything. Its weird, but I can't help but like shutting the world out sometimes. Maybe its just my brain telling me to stop caring so much what other people see, think, say, or do. Fuck them. Honestly, does it ultimately matter? Me thinks not.

Not really sure what anything means at this point, just trying to keep my focus on doing whatever I feel like. Rumor has it, if I'm not happy, its not likely that I can make other people happy.

At this point a big whatever seems to be in order.

Black clouds may hang on me sometimes, but I'll work it out.

maybe

2008-08-22T23:27:00.003-04:00

Maybe I'm really bad at this, but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe, just maybe, I can be ok with being bad at something. Or at the very least, not perfect.

I'm not sitting here wearing the perfect comfy pants, cradling a coffee mug with a cigarette releasing a cool swirling pattern of smoke. Maybe I'm just sitting here with my music up, glasses on, and a cup of water to my left. And maybe thats ok.

My brain feels like its been though a blender. My thoughts are segmented, incongruent, and disorganized. Oh - and few are happy... but I can't blame them for that. A blender is no place for a brain.

Nothing really makes sense anymore. I can't seem to figure out which way is up, and ultimately, what I want. School is apparently nearing an end and I still can't seem to grasp the purpose of it all, and honestly, I don't think I've learned a damn thing since I've been here. Granted, thats likely my fault, its any wonder I've passed any of my classes at all. Work has all but ceased at the moment - a good thing I think. We'll see how that works out. Love life - well... I think its good? I mean... I'm happy, but scared. Worried might be a better word? Who knows. I'm comfortable and its scary.

Not sure I have much else to say.

Feels as though I've been killing time for the past 3 months, and frankly, thats ridiculous. There's got to be something I can or should be doing with my time. Its like I'm constantly counting down the hours till I can go to bed - I'm not tired anymore, just bored with everything.

I have no hobbies, and desperately need to fix that I think. Not sure what I'm interested in, but surely there must be something. Maybe writing is the trick, maybe it'll be photography, hell - maybe its underwater basket weaving - I don't rightly know. Gonna give the school paper a try - might be a good way to meet some new people and actually get involved with something. Who knows - it might even be fun!

Maybe I'm gonna be ok in this little disaster of a life I seem to be living. I guess we'll find out...

ooh baby, I have cookies

2008-04-06T01:30:00.007-04:00

As I sit here, patiently waiting for the anticipated "beep" of the oven telling me the first batch of my cookies are done, I figured now is about as good a time as any to write about my cookies.

Born from Alton Brown's Lentil Cookie recipe, I've taken the liberty to run with it and customize it to my needs - read: gluten free and preferably high in protein. While I'm still fairly new to the art (or science?) of gluten free baking (I've done the eating for nearly 2 years now), I've discovered a few things along the way.

keep flour mix on hand - trying to mix it specifically for a recipe is enough to make me not want to bother at all
xanthan gum is worth the $12 investment - as it says right on the package, a little goes a long way - and it helps reduce the crumbliness that is so characteristic in GF baking
almost any non GF recipe can be adapted
most pre-made mixes and foods that are GF are gross and absolutely not worth the "specialty" price tag they carry

So... back to the cookies. I'm on the starting end of a cold (my first in months... yay!!) and being sick for me usually results in cravings for easy to eat and digest carbs. Since store bought stuff is essentially out of the question, and I've had an urge to make a mess in the kitchen, baking just made sense.

This will be my third time experimenting with this recipe, but my first time alone. The first time Boy and I made them following the recipe as closely as possible (substituting only GF flour and omitting the coconut as neither of us likes it). They turned out a little too delicious, and were borderline addictive.

Second time round, we decided to make them into bars, going for a more "meal replacement bar" type idea. We swapped some of the flour for whey protein isolate, increased the amount of oats, used a little xanthan gum, added in slivered almonds and pumpkin seeds, substituted some of the butter for applesauce, and increased the amount of spices (whey protein is a black hole for flavor, and tastes gross on its own). They turned out well, but a bit on the dense side. Nevertheless, they were all gone in much less time than you'd think.

This time, I've decided to take the best of both trials and see what happens. I've added in xanthan gum, whey protein, pumpkin seeds, slivered almonds, cranberries and raisins, and I increased the spice amounts. Batch 1 had no dried fruit since Boy doesn't like it (and I'm just that cool), batch 2 has the works.

Gluten Free (High Protein) Lentil Cookies

Lentil Puree (you'll need to make this first)
2/3c Dried Lentils
2c Water

Place lentils and water in a small pot and simmer covered for 30-40min, until water is absorbed and lentils are soft. Allow it to cool slightly, then puree (be careful here!!). Let it cool while you assemble the other ingredients - I put mine in the freezer.

Ingredients
2c Gluten Free Mix (I use Bette Hagman's)
1tsp GF Baking Powder
1 1/2tsp Xanthan Gum
1tsp Salt
2tsp Cinnamon
1tsp Allspice
1c Sugar
3/4c Butter
1 Egg
2tsp Vanilla Extract
Lentil Puree from above (should equal about 1 1/2 cups - I never measure)
1c GF Rolled Oats
1c Dried Fruit (I only used half a cup since it was going in half the batch)
1/4c each Pumpkin Seeds and Slivered Almonds

Preheat oven to 375F.

In a small bowl, sift together flour, whey powder, baking powder, xanthan gum, salt, and spices.

In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar. Add egg and mix until just blended. Add in vanilla and lentil puree. Mix until combined - it will be runny! Slowly work in flour mixture. Once combined, add in oats, dried fruit, nuts and seeds.

On greased (or parchment lined) baking sheets, form the dough into small 2-3tsp sized balls. They do not spread much, so you may want to flatten them a little. Bake for 15-20min, until the bottoms are lightly browned. Yield 4 dozen-ish, depending on size of cookie and how much batter you eat in the process

Enjoy! (Seriously, try to eat just one...)

get ready...

2008-01-07T07:55:00.001-05:00

It starts today. (cue ominous music)

More post to follow later. Or maybe just a link. Or both! Imagine that!

seeeee

2008-01-06T00:55:00.001-05:00

Aha! Imagine... reading the picture help stuff actually worked.

See... This is me on a Bad day.

And this is me on a silly day...

And this one is just plain cute...

So none of these are from my camera. I'll be toting it around with me more, so I promise I'll have more to post.

bubbles

2008-01-06T00:44:00.000-05:00

Big dreams and a new year.

Not much to add. There's plenty really, just nothing I want to admit enough to put into writing. So up and away it stays.

Heres to a better year. Here's to reaching some goals. Here's to sticking to a routine. Here's to being happy. Here's to finding or rebuilding my outer shell. Here's to things being ok. Here's to less pain.

Here's a big FUCK YOU to the world. I don't know why, but it feels necessary.

I have a new camera, so once I figure out how to get pictures posted, I'll put some up.

baked

2007-12-13T03:15:00.000-05:00

I'm making brownies!

Doesn't sound nearly as cool as Donkey's "And in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!"... (Shrek? Come on people.....)

The thrill - they're 100% safe, gluten free brownies. With dark chocolate. Very dark. (recipe)

No pictures because, well.... I have no digital camera, my camera phone only works when I hold it at the right angle, and apply the right amount of pressure to the right spot, and only then do I have a 0.7sec window to take my pictures in. So... um... no. The digicam is number one on my wishlist of one item for christmas - so here's hoping.

Anyways.... the more I "study," the more food blogs I find and become completely absorbed in. Amateur Gourmet, Pioneer Woman, Food Whore being some of my favorites.... oh! and Slashfood. Thus inspiring me to maybe, just maybe blog a little more. I'm not a "foodie," nor will I ever be. But.... being GF, food certainly takes on a whole new meaning. And I love to cook. So maybe I'm 40% foodie. Regardless.....

The blogging is more of an outlet, and it seems as though my wacked out personality just might fit in with the food blogging world. Maybe?

Anyways.... heres trying.

Sincerely, blah.

2007-12-02T23:11:00.000-05:00

Its a good thing my bed is directly on the floor, otherwise I'd be curled up under it hiding from the world and the weather.

More to be written later I'm sure.

erasers

2007-10-09T22:23:00.000-04:00

Not existing just seems to be such a pleasant thought right now. To just lay down and drift off into nowhere. A complete release from everything. No more worries, no stress, no crying, no hurting, no pretending, no caring. Nothing.

Its not out of anger, frustration, revenge, or anything of the sort. I just can't shake this feeling of being done. I just want to set it all down and just walk away.

I just need this tape to stop playing in the back of my mind. I want to shut it off - hopefully permanently.

open letter from me

2007-10-07T21:29:00.000-04:00

What it boils down to is this. ...fuck. I don't even know.

I hate being in second place. I know you're not over her. You've made no secret of that, and in a way, I appreciate that. On most days, I'm ok with that. Its like an unspoken truth. There's not much I can do about it, so I pour all my energy into maybe, hopefully, making you at least a little happy with me. Other days, however, not so much. Usually they're the days when your head and/or heart are upset and missing her, and there's nothing I can do.

I'm trying to be patient and understand (though it may not seem like it sometimes)... but when does that end? When do I no longer have to be ok with you not being sure if you want to be with me or not? Maybe it just gets easier and I'm being impatient. Or maybe it doesn't and I'm just being an idiot. Truth is, I'm not even sure I want an answer.

It just scares me to think that you loved/love her so much, and yet, you still cheated on her (repeatedly) with me. Makes me wonder what you deem to be ok to do while you're with me. I mean, maybe nothing and I'm just overreacting and letting my non-trusting self get the better of me. But then theres that other maybe. I just need to know that if you do, you'll tell me and not take me for a complete idiot. I need the reassurance that you might actually want to be with me. I need to know that I'm not just a placeholder or a substitute until you find something more worth your time.

I don't want you to take this as me not trusting you, though I know how much it seems like that. I do trust you. If I didn't you wouldn't be anywhere close to having this much of a hold on my heart and head. This is me questioning myself and wrestling with my overactive self-doubt. I have a self confidence level of about 20% on a good day, and when you tell me that taking me home would mean that we were "actually really dating," thus presenting you with a moral dilema - well, that level drops to about -15%. The not going up didn't bother me. Just hearing those little words felt as though my heart was being strangled by rusty barbed wire.

I'm sorry I haven't told you all this sooner. I really am. I just don't want to give you a reason for leaving or deciding 'us' isn't good for me. I'm not even telling you this because I want anything to change. I'm simply telling you because I can't keep writing off my crying as "bad days." Because the truth is, they're just days when I need you to try a little - to show you care.

sharpener shavings

2007-09-30T01:59:00.000-04:00

So I haven't been blogging simply because somewhere along the way I got it into my head that all posts must be clever, witty things, but the truth of the matter is - I'm not always clever or witty. In fact, I'm very rarely ever one or the other, let alone both. So, the odds of me posting under those guidelines would be less than likely.

Anyways....
*sigh*

*boy* says (2:02 AM):
You're a great girlfriend Suz.

Yes. This makes me lucky. And very happy.

Considering I get excited when he puts hand on the small of my back for a split second when we're out for a walk... this is BIG. I've got the excitability threshold of a six year old with a shiny penny on most days (which may contribute to people thinking I'm much younger than I am.. well, that and the fact that I could pass for a freshman in HS).

Now.. this wasn't meant to be a mushy gushy post by any means. I had every intent on babbling about mess making and the ease of cleaning it up afterwards (metaphorically of course - who ever says what they mean?) So I shall continue with this original thought...

Was stirring soup (made special for sick bf), and as I noticed the little puddle on the stove from where the spoon had been sitting, the thought of grabbing a bowl to put the spoon on instead crossed my mind for a split second. You know, I'd be using the bowl afterwards for the soup, and it would stop the mess on the stove... It occurred to me that I've got this fear of making a mess, or having some sort of impact, or leaving any trace of my own existence on anything. The worst part of this is that the only time this mechanism fails for the big stuff, when I need it most. You know... like getting my car fixed, or staying on track with classwork, etc.

I'm getting better - at least trying to - at expressing my opinion and existing as an actual person, although I forget that sometimes.

(Please forgive me, for my thoughts are not in any reasonable order tonight)

Odds are good I'll want to repost on this topic when my brain is a bit clearer and organized - lately its been exhausted beyond any sort of higher level cognition.

Theres so much to tell of the inner workings of this disaster... I'm sure it'll all spill out eventually - not that anyone's reading.

Ah, the pointy ends.

2007-09-19T18:45:00.000-04:00

Its close to the first day of school, so I'm sure somewhere some kid is still enjoying that brand-new crayon time at the beginning of each year. Me - not so much.

Week 2 into school and I'm yet again doubting my existence on this little bubble of a planetary thing. Watched www.zeitgeistmovie.com last night, and ... WOW. What an eye opener, among other things. I'm not even sure how I'd describe it, but... make sure you're sitting down.

Not sure what this blog will hold for the future - haven't had one since the days of Xanga, and was never good at keeping a journal/diary as a kid... Nevertheless, I shall try my best to update at least sometimes. Not that anyone's reading, but you know. There's always that chance. I'm no good at expressing my "feelings" to anyone - even admitting them to myself is quite a task some days, but the buildup is getting to be a little too big to contain within just me (even with the extra weight I've added recently). So maybe getting it out into Georgia 12pt font in some "clever" named bog will help. Let the lovely people of cyberspace sort out the tangles and knots strangling both my head and my heart.

Not sure where to begin, or even if its "appropriate" to dump all sorts of baggage out on the first blog - isn't there some sort of dating policy that carries over into this world? You know, assuming again that anyone reads this. So.... just beware First Date person - this one's got some issues.

...more to follow.